Dear Hot Girl (An Open letter to Beautiful Women)


Dear Hot Girl

I see you got your nails did, hair did, everything BIG! The new dress you bought at TJ Maxx shows of your figure nicely, I see you tucked the tag behind the dress, just in case you want to return it. You spend two hours on your hair, knowing that tomorrow morning it will look like a hot mess again. Had your girlfriend who is in her 4th year as a “cosmetology” major do your make up for you, you look like a Show Stopper and are ready to get it cracking(and get free drinks from the white knights who will gladly oblige) . When people ask what you do,  you say you’re a model , I almost believed you if it wasn’t for your  high heels from Payless for $29.99. Heck even your girlfriend was on point, that new skirt is making her pancake booty actually look like she got a booty.

Pancake booty

However Hot Girl I’m not here to simp or gas you up. I know you got the memo of not rolling with fat chicks anymore. I saw you last night on the dance-floor shoulders squared like a “Boss Bitch”, heels clicking, duckface on your facial. Doing something awful. I don’t know if you were trying to “Dougie” or doing a rendition of Britney Spears at the 2007 VMA’s. I guess maybe if you walked back and forth and twirled your hair that it would make you look sexy. Those dance moves are still etched in my mind forever, and I start to sob whenever I think about them. It’s like someone took a laser and traced your moves around my eyes taunting me. I try to forget no matter how hard I try, like a bad dream it still haunts me!


I know Hot Girl you equate dancing with sex(Men do as well), and I know you like to dance. We have had many a dance together, however that awkward thing you were doing that made you look like you were having seizures, while you and your girlfriend kept screaming “YOLO” really turned me off. This is why my phallus went from the hardness of Leonidas of Sparta to the softness of a Charmin toilet paper roll.

I just figured Hot Girl you should know why it happened and hope that you start taking some Hip-Hop or Salsa dancing class. If you can’t afford that then Please Google “Charlie Sweets dancing” and practice in front of the mirror until you can dance like that. Until then Hot girl we can’t dance until you learn how too.


“The guy who walked away from you while you were having a seizure with a duckface”

p.s. you not knowing how to dance is really sad, all that body and no moves,


It ain’t right! it’s like a fast car that you can’t shift past the 2nd gear



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